Awesomely Bad: The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai

Though nearly destroyed by allergies and a sinus infection, I return with what may be one of the weirdest movies I’ve ever seen. The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai is about as close to all-out porn as you can get without actually being pornographic. It’s what the Japanese call a “pink film”, which is basically a porn film that falls within Japan's very strict censorship laws that prohibit the showing genitalia. The typical result is a movie with a loose story (though not as bad as your typical porno) with simulated sex scenes in which the participant’s junk is hidden by conveniently placed props or careful framing of the scene. Sachiko Hanai started out as just a straight up pink film (then called Horny Home Tutor: Teacher’s Love Juice), but due to it’s incredible popularity, director Meike Mitsuru expanded it to the full-length feature I now present.

The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai starts by following a role-playing hooker, Sachiko Hanai, who is playing the role of a boy’s tutor who wants to sex him up. The result is a short simulated sex scene, of which the film is littered with, which comes complete with simulated money shot (that’s right, fake splooge). Once finished, Sachiko decides to celebrate another job well done by getting a tasty drink at a local coffee shop where she inadvertently stumbles upon a high-stakes deal between a North Korean and a Middle Easterner of some sort. Through clumsiness on Sachiko’s part she ends up fouling the deal and accidentally stealing the goods (a small metal canister that I initially thought was a vibrator) and her reward is a bullet right in her brain. Instead of killing her, the bullet ends up awakening a vastly superior intelligence and mental capabilities making it so that she can speak languages she's never heard and understand.

With her newfound mental powers, Sachiko goes on an intellectual sex binge, hooking up with a college professor, his son, and even the North Korean who is now searching for Sachiko and the loot she inadvertently stole. That loot turns out to be the cloned, severed finger of George W. Bush, which is bright red with an American flag painted on its fingernail. This isn’t just some boring finger though, it also seems to be possessed by some sort of G Dubya spirit, and logically the finger proceeds to rape Sachiko. Yes, the girl is raped by a possessed, cloned George Bush finger. While this is easily the weirdest thing in the movie, it’s not so far from the existing vibe of the movie to seem out of sorts. The finger makes a few more cameos, along with a few visions of George Bush (which is some Japanese guy with a paper G.W. mask on), including one point where Sachiko sticks the finger in the bullet wound in her forehead that never seems to heal (it’s usually covered by a band-aid with something odd written on it) to enlighten her so she can find a hidden Russian device that controls all of the U.S. stockpile of nuclear weapons.

It’s a little odd to see what is essentially a porno actually try to have a political message, even if it’s a little skewed and not entirely clear exactly what the message is. It’s obvious that fun is being had at the expense of George W. Bush and his administration, but there doesn’t seem to be anything specific about his policies that director Mitsuru Meike or writer Takao Nakano are targeting except maybe G. W.’s, and essentially all Americans, predisposition to war. If a porn star can run for governor, why can’t a bizarre Japanese sex film have a message?

Now it seems that there are a few very vague rules to have a film qualify as a pink film. I’m not sure who oversees these prerequisites and how they came to be, but there are 4 basics. There is a minimum number of sex scenes (how many, I couldn’t find out), the film must be approximately an hour (Sachiko Hanai is 90 minutes, but presumably the original was much closer to an hour), the film must be shot on 16 or 35mm in a week or less, and must be on a very small budget. These rules explain a lot about the look and feel of the movie. Despite being originally filmed in 2003 it has a much older feel as a result of the film it was shot on. The rules also explain why the effects, such as the severed finger and bullet wound, are so cheap looking. Despite the lo-fi approach that is inherent in the genre, the film still manages to do a good job of delivering its...uhh...story. The actors put those of a traditional porno to shame as they actually convey emotions and deliver lines without sounding like they’re trying to read the back of a cereal box.

Final Verdict: While the movie is incredibly entertaining and Emi Kuroda, who plays Sachiko Hanai, is pretty damn hot in the mostly pleasing sex scenes, I have to knock the film for one thing. I’m just not a big fan of rape. Not the George Bush finger rape, which is more ridiculous than anything else, but two flat out rape scenes. Both of the scenes do nothing for the story that couldn't be done otherwise, and one doesn't even have any bearing on the story at all. I just don’t like rape scenes. Especially in this case, where it’s just there as a fantasy fulfillment, in which rape seems to be romanticized by the sexually repressed Japanese in much the same way that war is by Americans. I’m not sure if there are going to be a lot of people watching this movie with friends, since it seems to verge on breaking the rule that guys shouldn’t watch porno together, but it’s definitely an entertaining movie. It gets a 3/5, but would’ve been a 4 if not for the rape scenes.

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The 9 Best Vomit Scenes Ever Filmed

There are few things in life funnier or more disgusting than vomiting. It's one of those things that just hearing someone starting to gag can start a whole crowd retching. There's a thin, possibly even non-existent, line between hilarious and disgusting vomiting. This isn't a list of little spews and tasteful hurls, this is over-the-top projectile vomiting at it's best. This isn't necessarily a count down, nor is it complete. There are a few scenes I fought with including like The Exorcist, but then I'd have to include the much more extreme rendition done in Scream 2. The Problem Child 2 scene could easily be replaced with a nearly identical scene from The Sandlot, but these are the ones that made the top of my list. Click on to see the chunky spew-fest.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)-
For the most part, this was a rather unsatisfying attempt to bring Douglas Adams' venerable and riotous books to life. There was nothing in this movie that wasn't done better in the 1981 BBC miniseries. To only two redeeming values of the movie were Alan Rickman voicing the part of Marvin the Paranoid Android, and a brief scene in which everyone turns into yarn dolls and our hero Arthur Dent spews yarn. Watch the first minute and a half, then do yourself a favor and stop.


Porky's 2 -
Porky's has an important spot in the history of comedy. Without the success of it, and it's inevitable sequels, there easily could never have been Revenge of the Nerds. The first Porky's had the distinction of Canada's highest grossing film for 24 years, and as of 2006 was still it's second. Porky's 2 doesn't have what you would call a traditional vomiting scene, instead it has tit vomit...yes...tit vomit.

EMBED-Porkys 2 Puke Scene - Watch more free videos

Problem Child 2 -
The Problem Child series of movies weren't exactly my favorite, as I never found them to be quite a laugh riot, but I had to admire Junior's tenacity and ingenuity when it came to being a total pain in the ass. This particular spew scene involves the little antagonist getting some good, old-fashioned revenge. As I mentioned, this scene (minus the ridiculous premise) is played out very similarly in The Sandlot a couple years later.


Meet the Feebles -
Before Peter Jackson became a made man by making the geek porn known as The Lord of the Rings, he made really shitty movies. But he was really good at making really bad movies. Meet the Feebles is a dark comedy featuring an animal cast made entirely of puppets or people in costumes who are members of the Feebles theatre troupe. One of the many actors is Harry, a rabbit who has a terminal STD who gets sick while trying to perform.


Guest House Paradiso -
This is a British movie based on a TV series called Bottom. It is the story of an English guest house (sort of a bed and breakfast) inhabited by various crazy characters, run by completely inept staff. After serving a meal with radioactive fish, guests begin to vomit in unbelievable quantities and with admirable gusto. This goes down as THE weirdest vomit scene I have ever watched.

EMBED-Guesthouse Paradiso Puke Scene - Watch more free videos

Bad Taste -
This is Peter Jackson's second nod on this list, and incidentally the first film he ever made. In the movie, a small New Zealand town has been invaded by enterprising aliens who are harvesting humans as food for a pan-galactic fast food franchise called Crumb's Crunchy Delights. "Aren't I Lucky, I Got A Chunky Bit."


Team America: World Police -
This notoriously raunchy and hilarious movie by the psychotic minds who bring us South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, has a lot of things to be proud of. It's got some of the funniest songs ever made in a movie, the best puppet sex scene I've ever seen, and of course - an over the top vomit scene. In this clip, hero Gary has hit rock bottom, gotten drunk and kicked out of a bar and lets it all fly.


Stand By Me -
This is actually a very poignant and well made coming-of-age movie that is worth a serious watch in different circumstances. However, during a round of campfire story telling, one of the young raconteurs delivers the story of Lard Ass and the pie eating contest. It's another revenge vomit-fest.


Monty Python's The Meaning of Life -
The Meaning of Life really has nothing on Holy Grail or Life of Brian, but it does have some really great scenes. One in particular is that of Mr. Creosote in the fancy restaurant. He a disgusting, apocalyptically obese gourmand who ends up splattering more than just a little food.


Thus concludes the oddly numbered list of my all-time favorite, most outrageous vomilation demonstrations. If you have any suggestions for other truly epic exhibits of artful ralphing, feel free to leave a comment.


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A Quick Note About Scheduling

It seems that any time I try to set deadlines for myself, I take them as a challenge to miss them and see what the repercussions are. I had initially setup the Awesomely Bad reviews up as a Bad Movie Monday idea. Mostly cause I have this weird OCD for alliteration. But it's been pretty consistently not-Monday when they get posted. Maybe 2am Tuesday is still Monday for the the 3rd shift world I live in, but not for most. So to hell with the schedules, I'll get shit done when I get shit done. Also, I've stopped doing the Weekly Reamer column. It's not really that fun to do, and not all that funny as far as I can tell. So why bother? I doubt you'll miss them. The Rapid Reviews will stay rather random, though they do seem to approach a bi-weekly schedule by the nature of hhow my free time works out. I do have some new segments in the works, but they rely on some input by others so they're mostly out of my control.

I do have one request, to all one and half of my readers (according to Google Analytics latest report), if you have a decidedly sinister, disgusting, or naughty job (hitman, porn star, splooge cleaner at a peepshow), send me an email at dead@deadregime.com and tell me a little be about what you do and maybe set up a super short (come on, you can handle 10 questions, can't you?) interview. Now run along, I know you've got some porn waiting for you.

Awesomely Bad: Brides of Blood

I had to go through quite a few unworthy movies to get to one that I felt I could write more than a sentence or two on. Turns out watching bad movies is harder than I thought. After quite a few tries, I finally got to a true Mystery Science Theatre quality bad sci-fi called Brides of Blood. While the other movies were just bad, Brides of Blood was bad with potential, which in turn made it good. Which in turn made it Awesomely Bad (kinda like a non-non-non-heinous from Bill and Ted). Brides of Blood is either the first or second (depending on which source you trust) in a series of "Blood Island" movies that have little to nothing in common plot-wise, but share a common theme of being poorly written and acted. I didn't know about the whole series going in, but did manage to watch the last in the series (Brain of Blood), and I feel that Brides of Blood is a much more enjoyable film to watch solo or with a group of trash talkers.

The basic premise of the film involves three Americans traveling to Blood Island (should've known it was a bad idea from the name alone); Jim Farrell is a supposed Peace Corps. pacifist who wants to enrich the primitive islanders lives, Dr. Paul Henderson is a doctor who wants to study to effects of radiation on flora and fauna (due to the islands proximity to the Bikini Island testing grounds),and Carla Henderson (Paul's wife) is a whore who wants to fuck her way through the boredom of life as a doctor's wife. Things start to go wrong as soon as they arrive at the island when they are informed by one of only two natives on the island who speak English that they have reverted back to primitive ways since Peace loving Jim's "last visit". This "last visit" lends some credibility to Brides of Blood being the second film, but in Mad Doctor of Blood Island (the other candidate for first in the series) John Ashley, who plays Jim in Brides of Blood, plays a completely different character. This doesn't seem too out of character in the whole "Blood Island" series, since the final film (Brain of Blood) seems to have absolutely nothing to do with Blood Island.

The primitive ways of the island eventually reveal themselves to be the practice of sacrificing two really hot Filipino girls at a time to some sex deprived monster. And by sex it seems they mean completely devouring a body. How they came to a mutually beneficial agreement or the reason monster sex involves no actual sex but lots of blood and death is never quite clear, but who am I to get caught up in semantics. But a strangely calm acceptance of a monster and sacrifice aren't the only things amiss on Blood Island. It also turns out that some of the trees are alive and really like the taste of Filipino kids, there are vicious moths and cockroaches running rampant on the island, and there is a unusually suave English-speaking half-Spaniard man that lives in a small fortress home with an army of midgets who do his bidding whom watches and reports on the island and its inhabitants.

While all this craziness is going on, garnering little more than an arched eyebrow from the islanders or it's Don Juan caretaker but sending any woman into absolute hysterics, our pacifist Jim Farrell is trying to get the natives to build an irrigation system and the good doctor is..umm...looking at stuff in jars and being all scientific by talking about radiation and stuff. He's really a bad doctor...not an evil doctor, I just mean he doesn't seem terribly good at his job. Then again, our Peace Corps pacifist Jim doesn't make a very good pacifist and doesn't seem like he's too keen of the peace thing either as he spends the entire movie trying to get the natives to kill the monster, mostly because he's fallen in love with the hottest girl on the island who also happens to be his personal translator. No one seems to pay much attention to the fact that the monster is clearly just poorly painted latex, the killer moth looks like it's made of construction paper and has a visible wire, or that the sexy Spanish/Filipino/American/Italian whatever the hell he is suffers from unexplained migraines and has "episodes" and starts to disappear whenever the monster comes. And Mrs. Henderson is still a whore.

Final Verdict: So the movies plot is paper thin and even seems to contradict it's own established story (assuming that The Mad Dr. of Blood Island is indeed the first), the acting is so very 60's/70's sci-fi that it's hardly worth mentioning because this is pretty much de rigueur for the times and genre, and the special effects are so low-tech that when they pull off a decent one you're actually impressed. So what. This is exactly the kind of movie I love spending time with. Bring in a friend or two with a bit of wit and you've got your own commentary worthy of Mike Nelson, Crow, and Tom Servo. It's just good ole bad sci-fi and a 3/5.
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Rapid Review - Wanted: Weapons of Fate

If you were a fan of the movie Wanted, only ever so slightly based on the awesome short series of comics, and are thinking that Weapons of Fate is going to serve as a way to sate your thirst for more hot chicks, ridiculous action, and gritty story then let me give you an alternative - just read the comics. They're a million times better than the movie (which I didn't like), and a zillion times better than the game. The action is dry and trite, the story is a nonsensical stream of cliches and set changes, and the damn thing is less than 6 hours. That's right, you're being expected to shell out $60 for an absolute max of 6 hours. That's a cost-per-hour that's twice what you paid to watch the crappy movie. Unless you hate yourself and want to be ridiculed when your friends see that you've played a shit game then avoid Wanted: Weapons of Fate if at all possible. It's not even worth it as an achievement/trophy boost. A dismal 4/10. For specifics, hit the jump and read on.

I'm not a man who has read a lot of comics. I loved them when I was little, but once I learned to enjoy the written word of a great novel (and got distracted blowing up G.I. Joes) I ended up leaving them behind. Ever since college I have found myself being one of the odd ones that still doesn't read them much, only picking up the rare graphic novel or series if I'm all but forced. Someone all but forced me to read the Wanted mini-series by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones, and I thank them. Then someone forced me to watch the Wanted movie and I beat them to death with a 12-inch floppy dildo behind the theater (don't ask where I got the dildo). Sadly, I only have myself to blame for playing the game. Although equating to a complete ripoff, I must thank someone for only making me punish my brain for a little under 6 hours.

Weapons of Fate picks up a few hours after the events that took place in the movie and sets you off on an absurd revenge hunt for some mysterious French SWAT leader that leads you through betrayal on various completely uninspiring levels. Despite taking place after the movie, it seems dear Wesley Gibson has forgotten every goddamn thing he learned in the movie and you have to slowly regain the use of essential skills like curving bullets. It's about 1/4 of the way in before you even get that skill, which proves to be of very limited usefulness. One of the things touted in the game was it's Max Payne style use of bullet time, but your slow-mo abilities are exclusively tied to a retarded and faulty cover system, which limits it's use substantially.

The cover system (or gaining cover by whatever means necessary) in the game is both absolutely essential to survival, but also maddeningly flawed and poorly implemented. One of the first things you will notice is that while in cover mode, any time you aim your weapon you instantly lose your entire depth of field. For no apparent reason you become exceptionally near-sited and lose the ability to target or even hit enemies outside your limited focus. Once you get used to it, and sadly I did, you learn that Wesley doesn't seem to realize his own size or have any concept of space as he will often crouch behind objects that don't even come close to protecting him from fire. When you are behind something substantial enough to deflect a bullet or two, the camera ducks so fire behind you that you have to pop out into aiming mode to see anything...which completely defeats purpose of the cover system as you are immediately vulnerable again. I had initially discarded the cover system entirely because of it's faults until I unlocked the bullet-time ability, which required you to use cover to activate it, and was forced back into the system I had learned to do quite well without.

Once you do begin unlocking new talents, you should quickly learn that they completely unbalance the game. I, sadly, did not learn this as quick as I should. I squandered by abilities, thinking I should save them for a time in the level when I really needed them. It took me a while to realize you never really NEED them, except for a few bosses, and can use them wantonly. The game tries to balance the use of abilities by making each one cost "adrenaline", with advanced abilities costing more. Considering that you earn adrenaline "shots" for every bad guy you kill, double if you kill them in melee combat, you never feel that Resident Evil ammo squeeze, and can kill quickly and indiscriminately without repercussion.

As the story of Weapons of Fate progresses you are embroiled in a flashback story that revolves around Wesley's father, the previous master assassin Cross, and his mother Allyse, all in regards to the truth of Wesley's birth and the death of his parents. In these flashbacks you get to play as Cross, who is infinitely cooler than Wesley in the game, carries dual pistols from the get go, and doesn't run like he's got his dick in his hand at all times (which is exactly how Wesley runs). These levels not only feel more polished, but have a more cohesive story and the progression through the levels actually makes sense. Where as Wesley's levels have you making leaps and jumps to conclusions that are never quite explained and then drop you into levels where you're never quite sure why you're there and what you're supposed to be doing. The only real motivation for killing the bad guys is because they say so, and they happen to be shooting at you.

One thing that really surprised me about Wanted was how absolutely awful the game looks. It's not so much that the graphics are sub par, it's the fact that even though it looks like a beginning of the current generation game itd still has frame rate issues. The game chops and jerks its way from beginning to end. Add to this the fact that so much of the game is set at night and in dark settings (dark AND at night - nice) but the color pallet is so muted and the contrast so negligible that you could be killed by enemies never seen...not even by their muzzle flash. At this point games shouldn't both look like shit and run like shit. At least pick one or the other.

Final Verdict: While none of this is all that great, it would at least slide as a mediocre game if it weren't for the fact that it's only 6 fucking hours long...and I died a lot - especially during the last half with the stupid quick time events they threw in there just for the hell of it. Charging full price for this piece of shit, and not making it a PlayStation Network or Xbox Live Arcade title, is just pocket rape. At least with the Watchmen game they made it downloadable and episodic so that once you realized it sucks balls you weren't out a sizable chunk of change with nothing to show for it. In the end you have a game that is short and shit, two things I don't like in my games, which earns it a 4/10.

P.S. - Go buy the Wanted trade paperback - it's too awesome not to.

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Awesomely Bad: Mulva/Filthy McNasty Double Feature

Oh dear sweet lord, I know we haven't had many reasons to talk to each other, but right now I have to ask a huge favor. Please kill writer/actor/director/producer/cinematographer/shit peddler Chris Seaver, the man responsible for the series of Mulva, Fithy McNasty, and various other cinematic abortions. Very rare is the movie that actually causes me physical pain and discomfort, but the Mulva/Filthy McNasty double feature really made me consider snorting lines of Comet and doing shots of Clorox. That honestly seemed like a better time. The non-existent budget and exclusive use of someones dads camcorder really don't play into the pain and suffering that come under the guise of this seeming tribute to the Troma film spirit. Let's take a look at each one.
First up is Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker. The flick starts out with this obnoxious chocolate addicted girl, Mulva, with a slurry lisp that is not only annoying but hard to understand. Mulva, the girl named after a punch-line from a Seinfeld episode, suddenly realizes that today is Halloween, which is both her favorite day of the year, because of the candy, and the source of her darkest moment, which is when two jackasses that show up later in the movie stole her Halloween candy years before. At some point, for no reason, with no background at all, zombies show up. Mulva and her friend Cassie are rescued from a zombie attack and from Mulva's candy-stealing nemesis by a black-faced Bill Cosby/Don King mash-up, played by my new hero/actor/director Chris Seaver.

Even taking into consideration the fact that Mulva is just a low-budget horror spoof and there shouldn't really be high expectations, I am still in awe of how unbelievably bad it is. It's unfunny to the point of just being awkward and uncomfortable to watch whenever an obvious joke, pun, or slapstick moment not only fails but fails catastrophically. What few flatly delivered jokes there are have been done verbatim in better movies by better actors, which considering how bad both the movie and the actors are isn't really saying much. While there were two amusing cameos from Troma Studios head hauncho Lloyd and a bad original song by NY's world famous Naked Cowboy, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about Mulva except for the fact that it somehow manages to be better and less repulsive than it's double-feature compatriot, Filthy McNasty.

Which brings us to the second act of this painful duet, Filthy McNasty. Where Mulva was just a failing and flailing horror-comedy, Filthy McNasty is just an obscene Carrie ripoff that aspires to be a foul-mouthed horror porno, if only they could have afforded actors willing to have sex on screen. The movie starts with geeky and tragically unpopular friends Julie and Liz commiserating over how tragically unpopular they really are. The obvious solution to their social woes is a Faustian deal with an obviously undersexed demon that turns them from nearly invisible geeks to super-popular sexy vixens. The price for fame and fuckability become too high when horny and murderous demon decides to kill off all the popular kids at a party that Julie and Liz attend after their new found social ascension.

It's when the party starts that things really take a steep, steep dive down into the murky depths of shittyness. The group of party goers end up engaging in dialogue that would usually be reserved for cheap porn and one-night-stands. The greatest offender, and sadly the only person who actually ends up showing any nudity, is the slightly obese Vivian(played by Ali Kat) who plays the role of the groups blow up doll and fuck buddy. Ironically, or appropriately, after Filthy McNasty (which is her first movie) Ali Kat appears exclusively in porn thereafter.

Final Verdict: Whether taken separately or combined as a budget buy double feature as was my case, neither film warrants any serious attention. I suppose that it is possible given enough friends and a steady and potent supply of beer or drugs, that these could be an enjoyable experience. As is, both of these movies are absolute shit - nasty creamed corn baby shit. The only things worse than these two movies are the fact that each one has at least one sequel (Filthy McNasty has 2) and Grand Shit-Meister Chris Seaver has somewhere around 14 films to his dirty, dirty name. I give this double doucheer a 1/5 and recommend you keep well out of sight of it unless you plan on getting so shit faced you already have a reservation with the stomach pump in the ER.

PS - If you ever find yourself looking at the cover of this movie and think to yourself "Oh, well it's got a hot chick with a big gun, how can it be that bad?" Well it can be that bad because the girl on the cover is a dirty, lying whore! She's not even in the movies and there aren't any goddamn guns in sight.

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