Dating Advice

I'm going to write a book of dating advice. Not because I'm particularly good at dating (pigs have orgasms longer than some of my relationships), no it's because I've advice for all those wannabe matchmakers out there. I'm going to call the book "He's Just Not That Into Dating Your Ugly Friend". It's going to be dedicated to the guys, but written for the women. Why? Because women are notorious for trying to hook all their single friends up with their ugly friend, psychotic co-worker, or damaged-from-divorce sister.

Now here I'm going to do something that will ruin any chances of having a runaway best seller. I'm going to give away the big, life changing secret that would've made the book a hit. Just. Fucking. Stop. That's right, just stop. You're really not very good at this. You're not basing this potential hook-up on anything beyond the "Hey, he's single. You're single. How bout it?" Which effectively brings the bar scene to a cubicle near you, only you don't (usually) have the alcohol to blame the next day. You're not going to end up with an advice column, you're not going to become the matchmaker to the stars, you're not even going to be very well liked for a while after the date.

I know the excuses too. "Don't blame me, I'm just an intermediary." No, the more accurate word would be an incendiary, because you're setting us up for a psycho killer to burn him and her alive in her apartment because if she can't have him, well then God can deal with it. Or how about "I'm just trying to help make people happy." Then bake a batch of fucking cupcakes, put some goddamned sprinkles on them, and bring those bitches into work and let us eat our loneliness away.

So yeah...maybe...just maybe you could NOT try to set me up with the girl that looks like a linebacker with Downs Syndrome. Sure she might be a really nice person, but she gives me nightmares.

Fuck Me-conomics

It's equal parts laziness and forced cleverness. Yes, people are both trying too hard and not hard enough. What is it this time? It's the thing where people keep trying to make clever new buzzwords with "economics" in it. Yeah, I'm back on that economics thing again.

It's not really new, I mean there's Reaganomics, Freakonomics, even those peddlers of square hamburgers Wendy's is getting into it with those damn 3conomics commercials. People are already starting to throw around Obamanomics and Barackonomics. Where does it end and how far can people really milk this economy issue (milkonomics)? What's next? AIDSonomics? Pizzanomics? Pornomics (which oddly enough Google seems to think should be Porn Comics)? How about ReamMeInTheAssonomics?


I'm all for being clever, if it is indeed clever, and I'm even a big fan of lazy. As a professional procrastinator, how could I not be? But every time I turn on the tube I have to hear yet another x-onomics zinger and then try to figure out just what they're trying to say. So to add to the wasteland of useless-onomics, I introduce my own economy. I present to you Fuck Me-conomics.

What is Fuck Me-conomics? How does the Fuck Me-conomy work? What's the current value of the Euro versus the Fuck Me-dollar? I probably won't really answer any of those questions, but here's a quick run down of what the Fuck Me-conomy is. First and foremost the Fuck Me-conomy is a scale. It's used to assign a value for really fucked up shit. The higher the value given, the more fucked up it is. Instead of a dollar value however, I've decided to create a new, independent currency - the Reamer. It has no cash value, but it's value in pure shame is limitless. However no currency can thrive without something to back it, something to give it perspective. That's where the Reamer Scale comes in. Stubbing your toe is only worth a single Reamer, while the Holocaust is worth somewhere around 1 Billion Reamers. In between these two constants will lie all the world events.

Take "Bloody Monday" for example. On Monday, the nation lost a combined total of more than 71,400 jobs. Wow, that really sucks doesn't it? But just how much does it suck? Well if a stubbed toe is only 1 Reamer, lets arbitrarily say that losing a single job is 100 Reamers cause it's worse than stubbing your toe, but in the grand scheme of things you're probably gonna get over it just the same. Now we have a Reamer value of 7,140,000, making Bloody Monday a pretty shitty day. So lets take a few of CNN's top reports and give them a Reamer value to put this into perspective. Gov. Rod Blagojevich's legal problems? 10,000 Reamers cause it's kinda funny in a sad "i think he's really crazy" sort of way. A Kiwi finding secret D.O.D. files on a used MP3 player? It's funny, but it's not really anything new. And finally, what about the Behind The Music style (not really) rise and fall of Silver State Bank? Considering it was only one of 24 other banks that collapsed last year, I only give it a measly 10,000 Reamers.

Now it's your turn class. Have any Reamer worthy crashes, bashes, slashes, or gashes? Send 'em in, get 'em valued. It'll be just like Antiques Roadshow, only more anally fixated.
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An Ode to Billy Mays

Ron Popeil became a household name because of the products he invented. Billy Mays on the other hand has become a household name because of the product that he has become. Who the hell remembers the Gator Grip, Awesome Auger, the Power Vaginator, or whatever the hell else that man has shilled at 4am. No, what you remember is that super-dyed black no.1 beard and slicked back guido hairdo of his.


The days of infomercials are stronger than ever and while there have been many iconic peddlers in it's time, none have had the long, strong, staying power of Billy Mays. One hit wonders and criminal peddlers like Miss Cleo and her con-artist psychic party line, the crazy Riddler looking Matthew Lesko and his big book of well documented secret ways to steal money from the government, and who can forget the nearly pornographic infomercials of Tony Little and his sex machine The Gazelle. But with the exception of maybe Richard Simmons, who honestly has pretty much just become a full-time mockery of himself, none have had the longevity, recognition, and stain fighting power of Billy Mays. This man has peddled more than 50 scamalicious products for over 15 years and shows no signs of fading.

So why Billy Mays? Why the man who can speak no lower than a full-tilt, pumped up to 11, hurricane force shout? Why the man whose hands seem to be stick in a thumbs-up or other non-threatening politician poses? Why the man whose too-black, immovable hair can survive a wind tunnel with nary a hair out of place? Why? Cause he's Billy fucking Mays, that's why. So here's to you Mr. Cheap Chinese Plastic Shit Seller. You make it possible for lazy ass bums like myself to buy shit we don't need, to do tasks that weren't that hard to do to begin with. You sell us miracle products that fill a purpose we had no idea existed, but now can't imagine living without. And if that's not enough, you do with with style, for anyone willing to pay, at a volume no one can possibly ignore. Thanks, Mr. Mays.

...secretly, I like the ShamWow guy better...
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Douche - A Lesson in Baggery.

Thinking about words I hate got me to thinking about words I like. Some words I rarely get to use like; onomatopoeia, quixotic, or omphaloskepsis. Then there are some words that I use to the point that I'm not even sure I hear myself use them. Fuck, shit, dude, and so on. In the last few years one word that has come very close to trumping my use of "fuck", which on occasion can be every other word out of my mouth, is douche. Conveniently, it's also become just about as versatile as "fuck". While I doubt I could have an entire conversation (ala The Wire's "fuck" scene in which they say it nearly 40 times in 3 minutes), it comes in pretty handy.


I don't dare to claim that I will cover douche in all it's uses, iterations, tenses, and other grammar words that I don't really know the meanings to. However, I will cover some of my favorites. The most common use, for me, is to simply say "what a fucking douche" whenever someone is doing something that I don't like or just being a fucktard in general. Sometimes simply existing is enough to earn the title. If you want to tone it down a bit, and maybe even use it playfully as a term of endearment, you can call someone a doucher. There is the obvious use of douchebag, but it can be modified to fit the environment. I used to work for a German company and it was a Deutschbag. When referring to a big, burly lesbian it was a dykebag. And if someone is such a douche that one time isn't enough, or you're unfortuante enough to be dealing with a pair of douchers, it's time to pull out the deucebag. That's right, two bags for the price of one. Finally, the act of, or performing acts that are worthy of being a douchebag is referred to as douchbaggery.

Another good one is douche nozzle. Not only does this move further up the actual douche, it also moves up the the scale of doucheness. The douche nozzel is the actual business end of the douche, therefore it's the worst level of doucheosity. Douch nozzle should be reserved for intense anger, or generally high-end douchers like co-workers you secretly think are serial killers, the lady talking on the cell phone that cut you off on the interstate, and Santa Clause (bastard never brought me a Power Wheels).

Of course, no discussion about the use of douche would be complete without a nod to "douche chill". A douche chill is that sick or embarrassed feeling that you get whenever you see someone else do something embarrassing. Watching the BBC version of The Office was a long, never ending douche chill. Why is douche chill important? Because of it's origin on the absolutely brilliant Arrested Development in which the unwittingly gay Tobias Funke would proclaim his catch phrase during particularly awkward moments.

So, that's my brief douchography. If you have any particularly good ones to contribute, please don't hesitate.

...mangina...
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