Awesomely Bad: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

I was out of town so I missed my usual Monday release, but fear not, I have another bad movie for you this week. First off, I have to admit that I was torn as to whether or not I could justify reviewing this movie after stating last week that Cannibal: The Musical wasn't eligible because it was intentionally bad. After much soul searching I decided to tell myself to fuck off and review whatever I felt like. So...fuck you...me. Now let me introduce Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. This is a real gem of a movie. It's a low budget comedy horror in the same vein as Evil Dead II. Much like Evil Dead II, the makers of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter seemed to take the idea that since they couldn't afford a realistic gore movie that they would spoof their own intentions by way of a comedy.

The story is pretty simple; lesbians all over Ottawa are being abducted and killed by a quickly growing population of day walking vampires. Two young Catholic priests become aware of the situation, but because the victims are lesbians the church won't officially get involved. This is clearly a job for a higher power, so the priests go down to the beach and recruit Jesus Christ. That's right, Jesus is back and he's hanging out at the beach. But he's not slacking on his second coming, he's busy kicking ass - vampire ass. Jesus, with his powerful kung-fu, is aided by Mary Magnum, a member of a secret organization that has had their eye on the Ottawa vampire situation.

The movie is a combination of slapstick comedy action and a cleverly written script with some good, genuine, intentional laughs. The low-budget production value seems to justify and even endear you to the poorly choreographed and executed fight scenes that pit Jesus against an army of Atheists that feel his presence on Earth is an affront to their beliefs, a bar full of rockabilly loving vampires, and a super-vamp duo that serve as the movies main antagonists. There is a guest appearance by an overweight El Santo impersonator, the Mexican Luchodor wrestler who starred in a ton of his own cheesy horror movies, who is brought in to help Jesus fight the growing hordes and assists in a the showdown junkyard fight at the end. The fights, while incredibly simplistic, embrace their cheesiness and actor Phil Caracas, who plays Jesus, seems to have a natural flair for slapstick expressions and actions. While the fights don't push the martial arts to their limits, or even to actually being martial arts, the gimmicks are great. Jesus and crew take out vampires with drumsticks, toothpicks, and even a pair of crutches.

The movie was released in 2001 but the shooting style makes it look like a much older film. Whether this was intentional and part of the paltry $100k budget was used in post-production to get this effect, or if this was just because of the equipment at hand I can't say but it lends to the genuinely campy aspect of the intentionally campy production. The cast seems to be primarily acting school dropouts, but Phil Caracas plays of Jesus rather convincingly, even when he gets a modern-day make over, trading in his iconic robe and long hair for street clothes, a buzz cut, and some medium-gauge piercings, he pulls it off rather convincingly for a satirical attempt at Jesus.

Final Verdict: Although Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is intentional campy and cheesy, it really seems that with the budget and available actors it was destined to be so one way or another. Wisely the cast and crew decided to embrace it instead of fight it and end making a film that suffers as a result. What ends up on screen is a rather likable and entirely laughable action horror comedy.
4/5 - it's not a top 10, but it's in the permanent library now.