An Ode to Billy Mays

Ron Popeil became a household name because of the products he invented. Billy Mays on the other hand has become a household name because of the product that he has become. Who the hell remembers the Gator Grip, Awesome Auger, the Power Vaginator, or whatever the hell else that man has shilled at 4am. No, what you remember is that super-dyed black no.1 beard and slicked back guido hairdo of his.


The days of infomercials are stronger than ever and while there have been many iconic peddlers in it's time, none have had the long, strong, staying power of Billy Mays. One hit wonders and criminal peddlers like Miss Cleo and her con-artist psychic party line, the crazy Riddler looking Matthew Lesko and his big book of well documented secret ways to steal money from the government, and who can forget the nearly pornographic infomercials of Tony Little and his sex machine The Gazelle. But with the exception of maybe Richard Simmons, who honestly has pretty much just become a full-time mockery of himself, none have had the longevity, recognition, and stain fighting power of Billy Mays. This man has peddled more than 50 scamalicious products for over 15 years and shows no signs of fading.

So why Billy Mays? Why the man who can speak no lower than a full-tilt, pumped up to 11, hurricane force shout? Why the man whose hands seem to be stick in a thumbs-up or other non-threatening politician poses? Why the man whose too-black, immovable hair can survive a wind tunnel with nary a hair out of place? Why? Cause he's Billy fucking Mays, that's why. So here's to you Mr. Cheap Chinese Plastic Shit Seller. You make it possible for lazy ass bums like myself to buy shit we don't need, to do tasks that weren't that hard to do to begin with. You sell us miracle products that fill a purpose we had no idea existed, but now can't imagine living without. And if that's not enough, you do with with style, for anyone willing to pay, at a volume no one can possibly ignore. Thanks, Mr. Mays.

...secretly, I like the ShamWow guy better...