Fuck Me-conomics

It's equal parts laziness and forced cleverness. Yes, people are both trying too hard and not hard enough. What is it this time? It's the thing where people keep trying to make clever new buzzwords with "economics" in it. Yeah, I'm back on that economics thing again.

It's not really new, I mean there's Reaganomics, Freakonomics, even those peddlers of square hamburgers Wendy's is getting into it with those damn 3conomics commercials. People are already starting to throw around Obamanomics and Barackonomics. Where does it end and how far can people really milk this economy issue (milkonomics)? What's next? AIDSonomics? Pizzanomics? Pornomics (which oddly enough Google seems to think should be Porn Comics)? How about ReamMeInTheAssonomics?


I'm all for being clever, if it is indeed clever, and I'm even a big fan of lazy. As a professional procrastinator, how could I not be? But every time I turn on the tube I have to hear yet another x-onomics zinger and then try to figure out just what they're trying to say. So to add to the wasteland of useless-onomics, I introduce my own economy. I present to you Fuck Me-conomics.

What is Fuck Me-conomics? How does the Fuck Me-conomy work? What's the current value of the Euro versus the Fuck Me-dollar? I probably won't really answer any of those questions, but here's a quick run down of what the Fuck Me-conomy is. First and foremost the Fuck Me-conomy is a scale. It's used to assign a value for really fucked up shit. The higher the value given, the more fucked up it is. Instead of a dollar value however, I've decided to create a new, independent currency - the Reamer. It has no cash value, but it's value in pure shame is limitless. However no currency can thrive without something to back it, something to give it perspective. That's where the Reamer Scale comes in. Stubbing your toe is only worth a single Reamer, while the Holocaust is worth somewhere around 1 Billion Reamers. In between these two constants will lie all the world events.

Take "Bloody Monday" for example. On Monday, the nation lost a combined total of more than 71,400 jobs. Wow, that really sucks doesn't it? But just how much does it suck? Well if a stubbed toe is only 1 Reamer, lets arbitrarily say that losing a single job is 100 Reamers cause it's worse than stubbing your toe, but in the grand scheme of things you're probably gonna get over it just the same. Now we have a Reamer value of 7,140,000, making Bloody Monday a pretty shitty day. So lets take a few of CNN's top reports and give them a Reamer value to put this into perspective. Gov. Rod Blagojevich's legal problems? 10,000 Reamers cause it's kinda funny in a sad "i think he's really crazy" sort of way. A Kiwi finding secret D.O.D. files on a used MP3 player? It's funny, but it's not really anything new. And finally, what about the Behind The Music style (not really) rise and fall of Silver State Bank? Considering it was only one of 24 other banks that collapsed last year, I only give it a measly 10,000 Reamers.

Now it's your turn class. Have any Reamer worthy crashes, bashes, slashes, or gashes? Send 'em in, get 'em valued. It'll be just like Antiques Roadshow, only more anally fixated.