Douche - A Lesson in Baggery.

Thinking about words I hate got me to thinking about words I like. Some words I rarely get to use like; onomatopoeia, quixotic, or omphaloskepsis. Then there are some words that I use to the point that I'm not even sure I hear myself use them. Fuck, shit, dude, and so on. In the last few years one word that has come very close to trumping my use of "fuck", which on occasion can be every other word out of my mouth, is douche. Conveniently, it's also become just about as versatile as "fuck". While I doubt I could have an entire conversation (ala The Wire's "fuck" scene in which they say it nearly 40 times in 3 minutes), it comes in pretty handy.


I don't dare to claim that I will cover douche in all it's uses, iterations, tenses, and other grammar words that I don't really know the meanings to. However, I will cover some of my favorites. The most common use, for me, is to simply say "what a fucking douche" whenever someone is doing something that I don't like or just being a fucktard in general. Sometimes simply existing is enough to earn the title. If you want to tone it down a bit, and maybe even use it playfully as a term of endearment, you can call someone a doucher. There is the obvious use of douchebag, but it can be modified to fit the environment. I used to work for a German company and it was a Deutschbag. When referring to a big, burly lesbian it was a dykebag. And if someone is such a douche that one time isn't enough, or you're unfortuante enough to be dealing with a pair of douchers, it's time to pull out the deucebag. That's right, two bags for the price of one. Finally, the act of, or performing acts that are worthy of being a douchebag is referred to as douchbaggery.

Another good one is douche nozzle. Not only does this move further up the actual douche, it also moves up the the scale of doucheness. The douche nozzel is the actual business end of the douche, therefore it's the worst level of doucheosity. Douch nozzle should be reserved for intense anger, or generally high-end douchers like co-workers you secretly think are serial killers, the lady talking on the cell phone that cut you off on the interstate, and Santa Clause (bastard never brought me a Power Wheels).

Of course, no discussion about the use of douche would be complete without a nod to "douche chill". A douche chill is that sick or embarrassed feeling that you get whenever you see someone else do something embarrassing. Watching the BBC version of The Office was a long, never ending douche chill. Why is douche chill important? Because of it's origin on the absolutely brilliant Arrested Development in which the unwittingly gay Tobias Funke would proclaim his catch phrase during particularly awkward moments.

So, that's my brief douchography. If you have any particularly good ones to contribute, please don't hesitate.

...mangina...