Dating Advice

I'm going to write a book of dating advice. Not because I'm particularly good at dating (pigs have orgasms longer than some of my relationships), no it's because I've advice for all those wannabe matchmakers out there. I'm going to call the book "He's Just Not That Into Dating Your Ugly Friend". It's going to be dedicated to the guys, but written for the women. Why? Because women are notorious for trying to hook all their single friends up with their ugly friend, psychotic co-worker, or damaged-from-divorce sister.

Now here I'm going to do something that will ruin any chances of having a runaway best seller. I'm going to give away the big, life changing secret that would've made the book a hit. Just. Fucking. Stop. That's right, just stop. You're really not very good at this. You're not basing this potential hook-up on anything beyond the "Hey, he's single. You're single. How bout it?" Which effectively brings the bar scene to a cubicle near you, only you don't (usually) have the alcohol to blame the next day. You're not going to end up with an advice column, you're not going to become the matchmaker to the stars, you're not even going to be very well liked for a while after the date.

I know the excuses too. "Don't blame me, I'm just an intermediary." No, the more accurate word would be an incendiary, because you're setting us up for a psycho killer to burn him and her alive in her apartment because if she can't have him, well then God can deal with it. Or how about "I'm just trying to help make people happy." Then bake a batch of fucking cupcakes, put some goddamned sprinkles on them, and bring those bitches into work and let us eat our loneliness away.

So yeah...maybe...just maybe you could NOT try to set me up with the girl that looks like a linebacker with Downs Syndrome. Sure she might be a really nice person, but she gives me nightmares.